Reunion- Reservations and Ruminations

I attended my younger brother's high school graduation on Sunday, which isn't unusual in itself, except that he was graduating from the same high school I did twenty years after me. Yes, I have a brother nineteen years younger than me, in theory he could have been graduating with the children of people I went to school with. Putting that aside, the more vexing part to me is that my twenty year high school reunion is this summer. I have not been to any of my previous reunions, and I can't quite decide if I should attend this one. In the past I haven't given them a second thought, but for some reason I can't get this one out of my mind. I guess it is the milestone nature of 20 years, or perhaps curiosity about people I graduated with. Consuming me more are thoughts back to those days and how I fit in then and how I fit in now. Those were not the halcyon days for me. I spent freshman year with an ulcer, and looking back I never quite found my "place". I tried acting in plays, I ran cross country, but it wasn't an exact fit with those crowds, I was too insecure to excel at drama and I wasn't any good at running. I liked sports, but never had played any organized and lacked the confidence (and probably skill) to try out, I was not a jock. I was smart, but not an overachiever or uber brain. Probably my biggest problem was that I never gave a full effort at anything, academics or activities, which contributed to not finding a fit. Insecurity is a bitch, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who suffered from that affliction, it's the nature of high school, but it can sure slow lane any chance at success. At least I never fell victim to any high school stereotype. Some people find themselves and their place in the world in high school, I didn't. It took me well into my adult life to be comfortable with myself, and forge a stable identity.

Back then, I had my 3 or 4 good friends, and we'd do our thing. I'd like to see them at reunion, but most aren't going. I was trying to think of who I would like to see at the reunion, but apparently either I didn't like many people in high school, or many people didn't like me, because I was coming up pretty empty. Which seems kind of funny to me now, since I like to think I can get along with a great variety of people and in differing situations. Then again most of those are temporary and/or occasional (think family and work functions) not four year long commitments. Yeah, it's probably just me and I don't like a lot of people. Of course if you're reading this I'm sure your one of the people I actually like.

In the last 10 years, I've only seen one friend from high school on purpose, and that's only been a few times. If it weren't for Facebook, I'd have almost no idea about anyone from school. (You've got to love the interwebs to feed your voyeuristic impulses about people from your past.) For some, they made their friends for adulthood in high school, not me. That's not to say I wouldn't or couldn't be friends with people from high school as an adult, things just wouldn't be the same. As the saying goes, you can never go back. We're all in different circumstances now, and all different people.

I'm not sure what my "place" will be at the reunion, but I'm pretty sure I'll go (as long as Tony does). It may be a waste, it may be fun, but I'll never know unless I go. At least it will be a night out without kids and I'll get to be with my wife which alone makes it worth it.