Just do it!

I've been trying to convince myself to start exercising again, but haven't been very successful. My wife has tried to prod and encourage me to do it, to no avail. Making time has been a bit of an issue, but I can't use that excuse. Towards the end of last week, I decided I just need to do it. While cleaning I came across an old Men's Health magazine, the special flat belly fast issue. It had the best ab workout you'd never done (no crunches), and the no gym no excuses workout, a 20 minute workout called the body-weight 200. They seemed to fit the bill for what I needed, so today I start to exercise again. I figure that by putting this in the blog I might be more inclined to follow through. I thought about putting up the corresponding before pictures, but I wouldn't want to scare anyone, and really, no-one wants to see half naked pictures of me. I will however give up the numbers from my scale, as of this morning I weighed 226.8 lbs, a body fat of 11.5%, a body water of 56%, a muscle mass of 40.9%, and a bone mass of 4.1%. With a height of 6' that means I have a BMI of 30.8 which classifies me as obese. According to the instructions for my scale, my body fat is in the normal range, as are my other measures, which don't really mean much to me. I will assume my scale is accurate, because why would it lie to me, it has nothing to gain, and because I'm not going to worry about it if it isn't. At some point I'll update my progress, but I won't bore everyone with continual updates. I'm going to try to eat healthy, but unlike my OCD wife I will not be keeping a food journal and obsessing over calories and the such. Not that there is anything wrong with that, she likes doing things that way. As a reminder, I don't set goals per se, but I would like to be between 200-210. The last time I got into the 190's my grandmother started asking if I was sick (which I might have been since I ran a half-marathon). I best quit stalling and get to my workout.

Honoring a friend

I've written a lot of things in my life, but none so difficult as what I tried last night. A letter to a dying friend. Not just a dying friend, but a woman not much older than me, a mother of two boys the same age as mine, leaving this earth far too soon. I struggled for words, wanting to stay positive, but only able to think of the sadness of a future without her. She is an admirable woman, always positive and upbeat, despite all the curves life threw at her on top of her health issues. She remained strong, unwilling to let her cancer or life beat her down. I'm sure lots of people have stories about friends dying too soon, but for me, this is the first time I've had it happen to someone that I was close to. It breaks my heart because our boys are friends, and it pains me to think of them growing up without their mom. She was a pillar of strength for her boys, and I'm sure they will grow up to make their mom proud. I struggle with how I'm going to tell my own boys about her dying, and can't dream of how her boys will be able to understand. Perhaps it hits close to home too because of everything I went through with J. No matter what, it's still a tragedy. The letter is my wife's idea, since my friend requested no visits.



I am not one to believe in fate, but sometimes you have to wonder the way lives cross. Raegan was a friend of a friend, and I probably met her once or twice in passing 20 years ago, but probably hadn't said two words. Then when J was pregnant with O, I heard about her son who was just diagnosed with Leukemia at 6 weeks old. So as not to upset and worry my pregnant wife, I withheld this information. Her son got a bone marrow transplant and is still cancer free today.
Three years ago O was in his first year of preschool and started coming home talking about his new best friend Ren and how he was going to come over for a play date. I finally relented and sent a note for Ren's mom to call me, when she did, it was Raegan. Of all the kids in preschool, O picks out Ren as his first best friend, and despite no longer going to school together, they have stayed friends. That was when I got to know Raegan well, through play dates with our boys, phone calls and text messages.


When my wife was diagnosed with a brain tumor, Raegan was one of the first people I called. She could relate, she had sadly been there. She made me feel better even as she was telling me that she would be needing surgery again too. Once again her amazing strength, she actually cried more about J than I ever heard her cry about herself. After J's surgery, she was in the NCC (NeuroCriticalCare), when she recovered enough, she was moved to a different part of the hospital. Raegan came out of her surgery, and was put in the exact same room in the NCC, the day J moved out of it. It was a little eerie when it happened. In another weird twist, last week Q came home from school to announce he had a new friend at school that he wanted a play date with. Her name, Raegan.



I can still laugh about her talking about her fake breasts and her ex husband. I don't think she ever forgave me for having her and the boys go to the state fair. Raegan went through two painful back surgeries not to mention numerous rounds of chemo and radiation, and a divorce in the middle of it, and yet I was always amazed at the strength she exhibited for her children. They will grow strong because of her strength, I will remind them of it always. For me, all I know is that I will miss her.

Not really a resolution.

I wanted to do this post a few weeks ago, but then was busy doing holiday stuff. Then with New Year's, I didn't want to write it and have it sound like a New Year resolution post. I don't do resolutions, they aren't part of my make-up, I'm not a big goal setter. On the other hand, my wife, big time goal setter, she has trouble doing something without a goal attached to it. Which is great, it works for her, not me (although I think she would like it if I had couple of goals). I like to go with the flow, make it through day to day, not stress about future things. Good thing my wife takes care of our retirement plans.



Rewind a few weeks ago, I had a bad day, got angry with the boys, just one of those ugly days. Afterwards I was mainly disappointed in myself, I decided I was letting everyone down, but mostly myself. So I decided I was going to make a concerted effort to be a better father, be a better husband, keep a better house, be healthier, basically just be a better person. I did not share this with anyone, it was a deal just with myself. Since that time I have tried, sometimes with more success than others.

I have tried to be a better dad, play with the boys more, give them more attention, not yell and be angry with them, have them watch less tv. O's improved behavior helps me greatly in this.

Christmas was hell on the house, and it has taken a while, but it has gotten put back together. I'm trying to keep it that way and not let it get out of control, mostly by doing things as I see them. An example would be not letting the dishes pile up in the sink for multiple days. Also trying to have rooms a little more organized where everything has it's place.

Being healthier I put off till after the holidays, I just decided to screw it while all the treats were around. I had a mental deadline of January 1st to quit eating crappy, and I'm doing well so far (other than the half a tub of butter pecan slow churned ice cream I ate the other night), next I just need to incorporate some exercise. With my 20 year high school reunion coming up I would like to lose some weight and get in better shape for it, although I'm not sure exactly why. I'm not sure I'm going (I've never gone to any before), and if I do, I don't know who I'd be trying to impress. If you asked me, I'd tell you I don't give a shit what anyone would think of me, but I still feel like I need to show up there 20 pounds lighter. So healthier is an evolving work. I've also tried to cook more meals at home and have food around so we don't eat out as much.



Being a better husband is where I think I may be slipping a little bit, and I think this post is a bit of an apology to my wife. Don't get me wrong I am a damn fine husband, and my wife is lucky to have me! However, keeping to myself my desire to improve, has made me sensitive to criticism. Simple discussions or requests devolved into me becoming quite defensive. Damn it, doesn't she know I'm trying? Actually, no she doesn't! So in a sad twist, my attempt to be a better husband has made me worse. Sorry my love for getting so defensive about keeping the kitchen clean, not yelling at the boys, and wanting to keep the weight machine, but I'm trying!

Overall I think I am a pretty good person, kind, polite, and considerate. I may not be making a huge contribution to society, but I'll work my way to that little by little. In the mean time, I'll keep working on improving myself.